I come from a long line of people with the smartass gene. I’m actually the least funny of my kind. I’m not sure any of us is truly funny, but we sure do amuse ourselves. And isn’t that what counts?
Yes, mine is the family that will sit around the table after dinner trying to see who can get someone else to do a spit take. I’ve seen it done many times, usually with milk. It’s not pretty.
Since we all live all across the Eastern seaboard, we’ve taken to other forms of communication, all of us secretly competing to see who can be the bigger smartass.
My sister, Julia, and I were texting earlier this week:
Julia: Do you want a subscription to Real Simple?
Me: Is it free?
Julia: Yeah, if I renew mine.
Julia: Will you read it?
Me: Mostly I’ll just look at the pictures. Why? Will there be a test?
Julia: No, smartass.
Tonight I was catching up on a little work and had the television on in the background. This crazy movie was on Lifetime, and I got distracted by it briefly and shot a text out to Julia and my best friend, Carrie:
Me: Lol. So I’m working at home and I’ve got this Lifetime movie on called “Maid of Honor.” The guy who’s playing the best man is so fem he can’t even act straight. How do these women not see the object of their affection is gay? I mean seriously.
Carrie: I was watching that too but now cooking.
Me: Did you see the best man? Omg! And this chick is totally nuts.
Email from Big Guy telling me something I already know.
Julia: Maid of Honor with J.Lo?
Me: No, Lifetime movie. Linda Purl. Thought she was dead til I caught her on The Office the other night.
Julia: It’s so funny that you’re watching that movie becuz I was just looking at my wedding photos.
Email to Big Guy telling him thanks and I already know.
Julia: Why didn’t I hire a photographer? There are hardly any good pics.
Me: This is not a happy movie. Crazy lady doesn’t want her dead sister’s husband to remarry coz she’s in love with him.
Julia: I think we’re going to have to renew our vows someday and actually do it right.
Me: Your wedding was beautiful. Pictures are overrated.
Julia: Why the fuck are you watching Lifetime?
Me: Good plan!
Julia: The only time I watch Lifetime is when Project Runway is on.
Carrie: I’ll call you later. Crazy day! Is Boy home from Ft Lauderdale yet?
Me: I’m working. It’s background.
Me: He’s on his way.
Julia: Ok. Good excuse.
Me: It’s TRUE. I swear.
Julia: I believe you.
Me: No you don’t.
Julia: You know me too well.
Me: Well, I’ve known you longer than most.
Me: Oh, he’s on. Turn it on.
Julia: I can’t. Football’s on.
Me: How do you live with a man and not have another tv? Too late anyway. She just killed him.
Julia: Oh thank God.
Julia: Bad actors deserve to die.
Me: LMAO. You win. You’re the Smartass of the Day. What kind of trophy do you think should come with that?
Julia: A bronze ass.
Me: Stop. I’m walking Dog and in a minute I’m going to have to pee in the neighbor’s lawn.
Julia: You and Dog peeing in your neighbor’s lawn. Oh the visual is priceless.
Me: Give me a sec. I’ll get you another picture for your album.
And that’s how it’s done…
How on earth did we stay in touch before texting?