Don’t Hate

I’m not prone to strong emotion.  There’s a reticence for me to overextend myself in that way.  I don’t gush with excitement.  I don’t get dreamily in love.  And I absolutely don’t let myself get upset with anyone or anything enough to feel actual hatred.

Or so I thought.

I dislike this person I work with so much it’s become hate.  And I hate that.

I don’t want to be bothered by this person.  I don’t like that whenever I hear this voice the hair on the back of my neck stands up and I roll my eyes.  I don’t like that when this person tries to talk to me I just stand and listen impassively until they’re finished, answer, and walk away.  It’s extremely disconcerting.

I was talking with Carrie on my way to work this morning, and we did the moving bus trick to discern the exact level of my dislike:

If you saw this person was going to be hit by a bus, would you push him or her out of the way?

“Well?” Carrie asked after a few seconds had passed.

“I’m thinking.”

Yeah, that’s bad.

 

I’ve known this person for years.  Years and years.  Know the kids.  Know the ex-spouse.  Been to barbeques, weddings, birthday parties.  Anyone who meets this person, thinks, “wow, great person.”  But not anyone who knows this person well.

I think I’m just aware of too many lies told.  Too many self-serving sacrifices.  Heard too many “poor me” stories.   Been the victim of subtle and not too subtle sabotage – on the personal and professional fronts.  I’ve built up a lot of years of resentment and betrayal.

As my mostly neutral co-workers remind me on a daily basis whenever they see my shoulders tense and the ever-present eye roll manifest, “Just a couple of weeks and he/she will be gone.”

Yes, I got lucky and outlasted my nemesis.  No buses were necessary.

Still, I think this person’s final victory over me is that now I know that I can hate.

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