Free Falling

I was in a bad situation recently that lasted for a long time.

I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t do anything that anyone would have pointed at and said, “You’re a terrible person.” I won’t end up with bad karma over it. I’m not going to Hell. I didn’t break any laws – legal or moral.

It was just a bad situation. It was a bad relationship, and I couldn’t extricate myself from it emotionally.

It didn’t start bad. It started cute. It was exactly the right time and place for me to meet this person. I felt a connection to him, and I just went with it. Had I been the right person for him at this time in his life, there is no doubt in my mind that we would have been very, very happy together.

Something just didn’t work for him, though, and he disappeared without a word of explanation. That should have been the end of it. But it wasn’t.

 

I have this personality flaw. Once I’ve invested myself emotionally in a relationship, it takes the Jaws of Life to tear me out of it. There’s no logic to it. I’m just stubborn that way. Don’t get me wrong, though. I’m not a stalker. I don’t hang around where I’m not wanted. When I’m not over a relationship that’s over, I usually don’t say anything to that person at all. I just call on my friends to help me through it. Don’t a lot of people?

So that’s what I did. But, you know, the people who love you will tell you just that: They love you, and anyone who doesn’t see how wonderful you are must be either crazy or broken or both. No matter how many times they say that, though, and even though a part of you knows they’re right, or at least right in the well meaning of their words because just because someone doesn’t return your feelings doesn’t mean they’re crazy or broken, it doesn’t help you get past it. Most people need some kind of closure, some gesture that will allow them to put a period on the end of that particular sentence. At least, this person does. And like one of my friends told me, sometimes it just hits you hard.

I finally talked with him. I swallowed my pride and anger and went to see him to get my closure. And that didn’t go how you would expect. He said that he was not done either, but he still didn’t do anything to change the situation. It would get better. Then it would get worse. I would get happy or frustrated or sad, as the situation warranted. And, then, when I saw that I was changing to suit what I thought he wanted, when I stopped being true to myself, and things still were not getting better, I knew I had to cut it off completely.

I still had to push him to do it, though. I couldn’t do it myself. And I’m not proud of it, but I deliberately forced him into a corner – well, figuratively. That’s when he talked.

I ignored all the “for now’s” he threw in the conversation and made myself listen to what he was really saying. And I felt immediately relieved. There would be no more back and forth. No more wondering or worrying. No more dreaming about him. No more tears of frustration and confusion. I could date someone else without comparing that person to him, without feeling as though I was somehow being unfaithful. I was free. And the logical part of my mind knew that I always was, but it wasn’t until he gave me the words, gave me permission to let it go, that I could. So I thanked him for letting me go, for being honest with me, and for doing one of the hardest, right things I think anyone ever has to do.

And I’m sure all this just exemplifies that I need years of therapy to get over some deep-seated issue that has yet to surface, but that’s okay. I’ve still got time to deal with that later.

You know, I think it’s harder to deal with a break-up when you feel as though the relationship didn’t run its course. You want to cry, “foul” and “do over.” But here’s the thing. Sometimes you just have to accept that however abbreviated you think a relationship was, this was the course it was supposed to run. Once you’ve accepted that, you’ve got to do whatever you have to do to get past it and move forward.

Because if you think about it, if you could care that much about this person who had this whole other life before you met them, the right someone is out there living their life, waiting for it to be the right time to meet you.

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