Cue the Swans

The bride was beautiful. The weather was gorgeous.  The setting was spectacular.

Carrie and Mr. Carrie chose this farm in North Carolina on which to be married.  The property itself was a plantation in the 1790’s.  And the same family that owned it then owns it now.

The girls got to use the big house to get ready in.  The house is completely cool – a little warren of tucked away staircases and American history.  I ran some of the wedding guests over to give then a quick tour during the reception.

Whoever did the renovations on the house did a great job, and I’ve lived in a house built in the 1790’s. No way did it have some of these features to start with, but they managed to seamlessly blend five bathrooms into a house that originally had zero.

We did our hair thing and dressing thing and picture thing.  I ran down to boss around the florist and DJ and director and pretty much anyone else who looked like they should be getting the party going. Bossing people is my one of my favorite things to do, and I’m actually getting pretty good at it, too.

When the ceremony went down, the bride and groom stood at the gazebo overlooking a lake.  The sun was shining everything went off without a hitch.  As they said their vows, two swans glided by on the lake behind them.  I’m telling you…  Perfect.

We had so much fun at the reception.  Open bar, tons of food, all these people who just plain ol’ liked each other.  You couldn’t have asked for a better party. The groom’s eighty-three year-old grandfather had a huge crush on me, so after three days of his not-so-subtle flirting and under the watchful eyes of his sixty-year-old trophy wife, I pulled him out on the dance floor during AC-DC’s You Shook Me All Night Long.

When we went out on the veranda to cool off, Grandpa asked me if I would come visit him in California. I told him I’d just been out there but might make it out again next year and would he still be around?  He lifted up his arm to make a muscle and asked, “What do you think?”

So, I played along, and felt his muscle.  I told him, “I think next time I see you, I’ll need to get some tickets for the gun show.”

Mr. Carrie’s dad later pulled me aside and told me that I made Grandpa’s night.  Isn’t that sweet?  So I danced with him again later when Shout came on, and during the slow song that came on after, I asked him if he just has a crush on me because I reminded him of a girl he knew earlier in life.  He told me, “No, I never had a girl that looked as good as you.”  Which was sweet but completely false.  This guy has money out the wazoo and a bigger charmer you’ve never met.

At the end of the night, the bride and groom sailed off in his Infiniti back to their place to have a quite wedding night alone, and the unofficial Best Man and I packed up Carrie’s car so they wouldn’t have to come back to pick up the decorations and knick knacks she wanted to keep.

Okay, now are you ready? Because you’re not gonna believe this shit…

Carrie had invited my sister, Julia, her husband, and the Boy to the wedding as well.  Julia had picked up Boy from the airport Friday, so they had a nice little visit before coming to wedding on Saturday.  Don’t ask me how I managed to get a sister and a best friend from different parts of the country to move within an hour of each other when I live 700 miles away.  I’m just lucky like that.

So, we had just pulled into the driveway of my sister’s house in Raleigh when my phone rings. It’s Carrie.  It’s eleven o’clock on her wedding night, and her house is full of people.  Mr. Carrie’s family, the California crew with a nary a boundary between the eight of them has all come back to her house to continue their visit with their favorite son.

“Are you kidding me?”

“No, and his brother and that hoochie mama are locked in my bathroom.  Paige, I think they’re having sex in my bathroom.”

“Have you two even had sex yet?”

“Yeah, in the bathroom as the cars started pulling into the driveway.”

“Good.  Okay, where are you now?”

“I’m in my bedroom.  I told them I was going to bed.”

“What’s Mr. Carrie doing?”

“He doesn’t know what to do, so he’s just out there with them.  And, Paige, there’s some family drama going on.  Did you say something to his dad or granddad?”

“Um, no.  Why?”

“Because Dad’s wife and Granddad’s wife are both angry about something to do with you.  And Dad’s wife is back at the hotel passed out drunk, and you’re name is getting tossed around like salad out there.”

I think for a minute. “Well, you know Dad did call me over to their table at the end of the night to tell me in front of the rest of the table that he had a wonderful family or some such nonsense.  I thought he was drunk.”

“I don’t know what it was.”

“Well, I’m sorry.  I hope I didn’t do something to cause this.”

“No, I’m sure you were fine. They’re just crazy.  I’ll call you tomorrow.”

She called back at midnight to tell me she’d left her bedroom long enough to confront Dad about whatever the women’s issue was with me to be told I was being used as an excuse to start a fight.  Figures.


I got a call again from Carrie at one o’clock in the morning.  They finally left, but it was to rush Dad’s wife to the hospital.  Back at the hotel, she’d taken all of the tranquilizers she’s been given to help her get on the plane – she’s got a real phobia about flying.  And apparently some other issues, too.  Hopefully, they’ve pumped her stomach and she’s fine now.

Well, as my brother-in-law told me this morning when he came downstairs, it wouldn’t be a wedding without drama.

Well, drama, sure. Crazy?  No.

I’m soooo ready to go home.

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