Let’s Make a Deal

Been spending a ton of time with the ex-boyfriend.  We’re having a great time.  It’s very mellow and comfortable being with someone who knows you really well and loves you anyway.

We’ve spent a lot of time talking, and it’s cool just hanging out.  Granted, the poor guy has had to put up with my snoring through the movies we’ve watched, but I think I’ve made it up to him.

He’s been staying at this hotel down the road from my place and, though the hotel is practically deserted this time of year, the front desk managed to put a new couple in the room directly above him.  They’ve been keeping him up until all hours with their antics, so last night before I curled up on his couch for my evening nap, I jumped up and down on his bed, knocked the headboard into the wall a few times, and made the appropriate noises. Hopefully, they took the hint, and he got a good night’s rest.

Despite all our reminiscing about the past, I’ve been thinking a lot about the future.  I’m not really sure where life’s going from here. I seem to be at a crossroads in my life, and I don’t know how I got to the place I’m at or which path to take from here.  On one hand, I think I’ve screwed my life up beyond all recognition, but on the other hand, I’m optimistic about the choices I’ve made and the opportunities ahead. I’m a tad conflicted.

I’ve been here before. This crossroad looks familiar. This time, though, I feel an urgency, a restlessness, that is somehow more acute.  I’m nearing the end of the first half of my life, and the decisions I make at this point, I really will have to accept.  I no longer have the luxury of time to be ambivalent about the future.

I find it slightly bizarre that in the past six months, and after years of silence, I’ve had contact from three of the more significant men in my life.  What does that mean?  Is it just that we’re all getting older, or am I giving off some sort of psychic vibe that’s calling them all back to me to allow me to assess, regroup, and move on. It’s weird how the universe conspires to set things right for you.  I’m trying to figure out my future, and I’ve been given this chance to look back and come to terms with my past.

I think that what they say about life is true.  It’s what happens when you’re not paying attention.  But is it ever something you can make a choice about?  Can we decide our own destiny?

And who are these people who know who they are and what they want from childhood and set about making that life happen?  I’m in awe of that awareness and self-knowledge.  It’s really a gift.  The rest of us are left sitting in the audience, like costumed fools waiting to see if we have in our bags that obscure knickknack that will get us on stage so we can choose what’s behind Curtain #3.  How do you choose, though, when you’re so afraid to be wrong?

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