Dear Mr. Very Cute Guy,
I cannot date you as you fall into one of the following categories. You are:
- Married to a wonderful woman who does actually understand you, which is why you’re sleeping on the couch.
- Separated. You’re either married or you’re not. Just like you’re either pregnant or you’re not. There’s no gray area here.
- Blowing the ink dry on your divorce decree. Come see me after you’ve finished plowing through the entire female population of your apartment building and corner bar. On second thought, don’t.
- Still living with a female of whom you have carnal knowledge. I don’t care if it was three years ago, you were both drunk, and that now she’s just like a little sister to you. If you’ve told me about it, you’re still thinking about it. Yes, the economy does suck. Get a male roommate.
- Still communicating with your on-again/off-again girlfriend in some kind of pseudo-masochistic drama wherein you are still the person she calls to come fix her flat tire. Come on. If she could call you, she could call AAA, too. You’re not really buying that crap are you?
- Talking about your ex within the first hour of our first date, or during the last hour of our third date for that matter. Look, I’m not one of the guys. And it doesn’t make me feel sorry for you. It makes me feel sorry for her.
So, while, yes, you are very handsome and charming and successful, I have to say “no, thank you” to your invitation. Well, I don’t have to, but I’m going to.
Because while, yes, I realize you don’t want to be alone. And yes, you really could use a shoulder to lean on right now. Of course, this would be a tough transition for anyone. We really do get along great, and I do like you very much. But I like me more.
Now, go get your shit together, and then you can call me.